Cabin Fever!
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Remy and John offend Jason, causing him to seek revenge! Remy's quoting Shakespeare, John's acting like Gollum, and Sabretooth's playing with yarn! What is going on there! Chapters two and three: The B-hood and the X-men! R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: To sum it up, I don't own anything. Oh, the sadness of my existence.

(An: Random idea alert! This popped into my head when I saw a caption contest for a picture of Remy looking all pensive. One of them went like this: "To steal or not to steal, that is- Oh the hell with it! Steal!" And –that- mental image spawned and multiplied into this stupid, short one shot. I'm going to refer to the Acolytes by their codenames when they first appear since most people don't know them by heart, but after that it's first name basis. And Remy's poem is "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. It's just been Cajun-ified and given Rogue's name, Marie.)

Put simply, it was chaos at the Acolyte base.

Piotr was the only sane one there. That was why he was running as far away as possible from the place as possible.

He ran up to the only place he could think of that might take him in: the Brotherhood Boarding House.

He banged on the door. A dazed looking Lance opened the door. He blinked a few times, and then seemed to focus and recognize him. "Colossus?"

"Yes, yes, please let me in!" said Pete, looking behind him as though the very demons of hell were behind him.

"Um, ok," said Lance, stepping aside.

Pete dashed into the house and hid behind the couch, breaking the fetal position to peer up every now and then, looking terrified.

"Yo, what's up with you?" asked Todd, hopping in.

Piotr looked up, fear in his eyes. "We've been stuck at the base for a few weeks now. John melted the locks on the doors so we're pretty much locked in-"

"Well, how did you get out, then?" asked Lance, leaning against the wall, which looked as though it was giving beneath his weight.

"Think about it," said Piotr, looking annoyed. "I can transform into a giant hunk of metal. Titanium and wood are supposed to stop me?"

"Oh," said all of the Brotherhood, Wanda and Pietro having joined them.

"Things at the base are like this…"

CUE PETE'S FLASHBACK IN 3

2

1!

A FEW HOURS AGO, AROUND 7 THAT MORNING

Piotr sighed and settled back in his seat on the couch. There wasn't much to do around the base now that they were stuck inside all day, so he didn't think much of the fact that his teammates weren't awake yet.

Gambit stumbled in, looking hung over. He perched on the opposite arm of the couch, grabbing the remote and flipping channels. Then Mastermind walked in. When he came in front of the TV, he stopped short and made a high-pitched beep sound.

"What de hell?" asked Remy, blinking. He flipped a channel and came to The Crocodile Hunter. Remy stopped flipping channels to stumble off to the bathroom.

That was why he didn't see what Jason did next. On the screen, Steve Irwin was bending over, attempting to sneak up on a croc, narrating all the while. Jason bent over as well, and in an eerily good imitation, began doing the exact same thing.

Piotr raised an eyebrow.

Remy came back, muttering about cheap wine. He then picked up the remote and changed the channel. The whole time he was flipping, Jason was beeping. He stopped again on a documentary about airplanes, having to throw up once more.

Once again, he didn't see Jason's curious behavior. He began to zoom around the room, arms straight out, making airplane noises.

Pyro walked in, barely awake. He picked up the remote and began flipping channels. Jason stopped short and made that beeping noise again. John settled on a news report about forest fires, giggling madly.

Jason twitched, then bent down on all fours, opened his eyes all the way, and began to bound around the room.

Remy came back, rubbing his temples and muttering a steady stream of curses in French. He paused, Jason right in front of him. The two men stared at each other, Jason with wide, doe-like eyes. Then Jason began to tremble. He bounded away, hiding behind the couch, and looking over at the other guys with gigantic terrified eyes.

"_Mon Dieu,_ what'd you guys do t' him?" asked Remy, staring at Jason. "If you've given him brain damage Magneto'll kill us!"

"We didn't do anythin', mate," said John, who was also watching the monkey-like mutant. "I just changed the channel and he started acting like that."

"Riiiight," said Remy, in a tone that suggested he harbored a **tiny **bit of doubt.

"Change the channel," Piotr suggested.

"What?" asked the other guys in unison.

"He acts differently every time you do it," said Pete, changing the channel himself. The next show on was the Powerpuff Girls.

Jason lept over the side and put an empty bowl on his head, imitating Mojo Jojo.

"…What's he doin'?" asked Remy, a stunned look on his face.

"He's bein' Mojo Jojo, duh," said John, grinning like a maniac.

Fascinated, Remy flipped the channel. Now the station was CNN.

Jason grabbed a chair and a few papers, and sat down. He shuffled the papers, cleared his throat, and did a perfect imitation of the dry, dull reporter talking.

"Weird…" said Remy.

"Do you think we should turn off the TV?" asked Piotr, looking nervous.

"No way, mate!" said John. "This is too cool!"

Remy changed the channel again, this time to a documentary on chimpanzees.

Jason jumped off the chair, scattering the papers, and perched on its back. He then began to swing around the room.

"He looks just like it!" cried John, delighted, and fell off his seat, laughing.

Then Remy dropped the remote, going back to the bathroom for a third time. The TV turned off.

Jason let go of the rafter he was holding onto and landed on the couch. He rubbed his temples, looking confused. "What happened?"

"You were imitating the television," Piotr informed him.

"I was?" asked Jason. "And you didn't stop me?"

"No," said John, who had stopped laughing.

Jason glared at them. "Revenge!" he cried and walked off.

A FEW HOURS LATER…

The chaos started with John. He came in, walking a bit like a monkey, in a crouch. He grabbed a lighter off the table and began to coo to it. "My precious…"

Piotr looked up from his spot on the couch. "John? Is something wrong?"

"MY PRECIOUS!" he cried again, and hissed at him. "Stupid metal Colosusses…"

"John?" asked Piotr again, dreading the response.

John's response was a hiss as he loped away.

"He gets scarier every day," Piotr whispered. "Maybe a good book will distract me from all this insanity." He went into his small room, to find that his bookshelves had been raided. His copies of Shakespearian plays and his Edgar Allen Poe book had gone missing. "Where could they be?" he asked himself, looking around.

"To steal or not to steal!" cried Remy, springing from the corner. "Dat is de question!"

"What?" asked Piotr.

"Alas poor Jean-Luc, too little did we know thee!" He pulled a skull from his pocket and looked at it mournfully.

"Hey, I thought we threw that away," said Piotr. "Are you feeling all right?"

"No!" Remy cried. He then jumped atop Piotr's nightstand and began to declaim in a loud, sad voice. "Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak an' weary,

Over many a quaint an' curious volume o' forgotten lore

While I nodded, nearly nappin', suddenly dere came a tappin',

As of someone gently rappin', rappin' at m' chamber door

'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, 'tappin' at m' chamber door-

Only dis and nothin' more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in de bleak December

An' each separate dyin' ember wrought its ghost upon de floor

Eagerly I wished de morrow; -vainly I had sought to borrow

From m' books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for de lost Marie

For de rare an' radiant maiden whom de angels named Marie

Nameless here for evermore.

An' de silken sad uncertain rustlin' of each purple curtain

Thrilled m'-filled m' wit' fantastic terrors never felt before;

So dat now, t' still de beating o' m' heart, I stood repeatin'

'Tis some visitor entreatin' entrance at m' chamber door-"

"Um, Remy?"

"QUIET!" Remy cried, outraged. "Y' must hear of m' sorrow before the morrow!"

"…Are you feeling all right?"

"NO!" Remy shouted. Then, cackling madly, he jumped down from the nightstand and ran into the hallway crying, "Oh, but for _mon ange_ Marie!"

"That would've rhymed if he'd kept it Lenore," said Mastermind, stepping out from the shadows and shaking his head.

Piotr squeaked and ran away from the creepy little monkey-man.

"I have to do Sabretooth first!" he called after the tin man, but Piotr didn't hear.

He was in shock.

Jason shrugged and did Sabretooth.

What Piotr saw when he got in the common room was shocking. John was still doing his Gollum impression, and Remy was still quoting Poe and Shakespeare, but that wasn't the scary part. It was Sabretooth. He was lying on the floor, batting around a truly gigantic ball of hot pink yarn, and making mewling sounds. "Yarny warny yarny yarny!" he cried, and hugged it.

Piotr screamed, powered up, and crashed through the walls of the building, heading for the Brotherhood house.

Jason stepped out of the shadows, his eyes glowing yellow. "Why didn't we think of that before?"

END FLASHBACK

"And so you see, that is why I came here," said Piotr, looking up at Lance.

The Brotherhood nodded slowly. Most of them were still in shock from his unbelievable story.

"Oh Petey!" came a voice.

"Oh no," cried Piotr, jumping up. "He's here!"

"Who's here?" asked Todd, looking around.

"Him! Jason! Master-" Piotr stopped short and his eyes glazed over. Then he began to sing. "This is the song that runs under the credits! These are the credits, so this is where it goes! It has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say, HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!"

"Veggietales, huh," said Wanda, giving Jason a skeptical look.

"Call it a fetish," said the monkey-like mutant with a shrug. "And I'll thank you to stop calling me a monkey!" he said, looking up at the ceiling and seeming very annoyed.

"Who's he talking to?" Lance whispered to Wanda, who was the only member who seemed to know what was going on.

"There should be a rule that the song under the credits remotely pertains to the movie's basic plot! But that rule has not been made so we'll have to say, HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!"

"The author keeps calling him a monkey," said Wanda.

"The author?" asked Lance, confused.

Wanda sighed and shook her head. "Well, Lance, there're these things called fanfictions…"

"Now then," said Jason, once again addressing the ceiling, "are you quite done?"

Just one more thing, my dear monkey… The End… or is it?!

"NOT A MONKEY!"

(And that's that. Reviews will be loved and hugged.)


	2. GIH!

(An: Ok… it wasn't the end. So sue me. I had no intentions of continuing this, but Di suggested I do the B-hood and the X-men. Having a severe case of writers block on anything but crappy humor, I decided to do just that! Oh, things in – are my actions… they kind of sneak in there.)

Todd and Pietro were cowering behind the couch. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, the Acolytes were running around their house. John was acting like Gollum, Remy was quoting "The Raven" at the top of his lungs, Piotr was singing Veggietales songs at the same volume, Sabretooth was playing with a ball of yarn, and Mastermind had dragged them all over to the B-hood house because the Acolyte base was defunct due to all that. Speaking of Mastermind, he was the reason for all of the Acolytes… um… "oddness" and therefore was the one the B-hood wanted to shoot.

But, getting back on topic: Second, the doors and windows had suddenly acquired locks and bars, so there was no way out. And third, Lance was so mad about missing his date with Kitty that he was making small tremors every thirty seconds and the foundation of the house was trembling alarmingly.

"I say we HeX-bolt him!" Wanda said to Lance.

"Good idea," Lance agreed.

Wanda was just about to send a blast of bright blue energy at the monkey-like-

"Ok, ok, you think I look like a monkey! Can we move on now?!"

-"Dude, you're not supposed to talk to me. And I enjoy crushing your self-esteem. Now then, without FURTHER INTERRUPTION, we move on."-

Mastermind sprang up from his seat in the shadowy corner. "No! Now you shall feel the RAGE OF MASTERMIND!!!"

Wanda and Lance looked at each other. "…Um…"

"What exactly IS the wrath of Mastermind?" Wanda asked, somewhat timidly.

"What I did to those guys! And it's the RAGE of Mastermind!" Jason cried, pointing at the Acolytes, who paused in their odd happenings to stare.

Todd and Pietro sprang up, screaming, and tried to run off. However, they banged into the wall and sat there, dazed as Jason ranted.

"All right, then, let the chaos begin," Jason said. "Oh, and you guys are pardoned. Except you." John, Piotr, and Remy all stopped what they were doing, and sat down by the wall to watch. Sabretooth just kept playing with his yarn, though.

Jason rubbed his hands together, grinning, and stepped back into the shadowy corner from whence he came, eyes glowing yellow.

Todd, Pietro, Lance, Wanda, and Fred all suddenly stood up ramrod straight and walked into the kitchen.

"Why'd y' put 'em dere?" Remy asked.

"I need to think of a good revenge," said Jason. "Now be quiet or I'll take away your picture of Rogue."

Remy squeaked and huddled deeper into his trench coat, clutching a small picture.

John, curious, peered over his shoulder. "Is that Rogue… in the shower?"

Remy hugged the picture, a smile of utter bliss on his face. "Yes."

"Can I see?"

"NO!" Remy cried, springing up and trying to run out the window. However, he, like Todd and Pietro, had forgotten the bars on the doors and windows. He banged his head on them and lay in a daze on the floor.

"Poor boy. He's going to miss all the fun," said Mastermind. "Now then, to business!"

Mastermind decided to have his way with Blob first, since he had the least characterization.

Blob came out of the kitchen, dressed in a leather cat-suit, which was covered in zippers. He was singing, "Oh yeah I'm fat!" to the rhythm of "Bad" over and over again.

The Acolytes gave Jason strange looks (well except for Sabretooth). "What is it with the singing and the dancing?" Piotr asked, looking confused.

Jason shrugged. "There's something oddly appealing about it to me. Perhaps it has something to do with this quote: 'DANCE MY PUPPETS, DANCE!!!'"

"That's creepy," said John.

"Da," Piotr agreed.

"Now then, moving on!" said Jason.

Blob danced out of the room, still singing.

"Contestant number two!" Jason cried.

Todd came hopping out. He was wearing Pietro's costume, and was doing a dance. It appeared to be the moonwalk (1).

The two conscious Acolytes turned to Jason with a raised eyebrow.

"Wait for it…"

Out of nowhere a spotlight came out and focused on Todd. A mic came out of the ground and Todd grabbed it. "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!" He crooned the song, rocking back and forth.

"That's just dumb," said Pyro.

"Keep your opinions to yourself or I'll make you do a Legolas impression."

"Ooh! More fangirls!"

"What about Gimli?"

"I'm not that short!... am I?"

Meanwhile, Toddles had finished his song and was standing there in a daze, a trail of drool going down his chin.

"Never mind," said Jason, going back to his subject. "Run along, Toddy."

Todd blinked and then hopped out.

"Now then, moving on…"

Next up came Pietro. He was wearing a tight tight fishnet shirt and a pair of black leather jeans.

-author screams and goes off to find brain bleach-

"Stop being so melodramatic!"

-"Aah, shuddup and get on with it!"-

"Yeah, yeah," Jason muttered. He then waved his hands.

Pietro began to strut- not walk, **strut**. As if that wasn't creepy enough, he began to sing. "I'm too sexy" while slowly pulling off his shirt.

"That is **so** gay, mate," John said, shaking his head.

"It's a plea from the author to appease rabid fangirls who may've been angered by the Legolas/John comment."

"Ah," said Piotr.

"The way you phrased that made it seem like a slash pairing," said John, twitching slightly.

-"Hmmm…"-

"Don't you go getting any ideas!"

-"Wasn't gonna, you neener head. I ship Legolas/Storm. So ner. Now get on with it!"-

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jason muttered. "Anyway…" Jason waved his arms again.

Now it was Lance who came strutting out, dressed only in a towel, which he had wrapped around his waist.

"Seriously, are you gay?" John asked.

"NO! This is mental eye candy for the authoress and her freaky little friends," Jason cried, outraged. "Now shut up!"

Lance began to dance, his hand never losing the grip on the towel.

-"I'm not all that crazy about Lance, ok? And anyway, this is only PG. Nudity would up it to PG-13."-

Lance ignored the author's comment and started singing, pulling out a bottle of Herbal Essences. "I'm gonna rock you senseless!" (2) He proceeded to sing the rest of the song, dancing around and washing his hair. He finished, bowed, and walked off to that little stretch of non-existence where Todd, Fred, and Pietro were also waiting.

"…" was the Acolytes response.

"John's right," said Remy, who had snapped out of it in time to see Lance's little performance. "Dat is **really** gay."

"Oh, shut up!" Mastermind cried, eye twitching.

-"You should get that looked at."-

"You're no better!"

-author sticks tongue out at protagonist-

"This is really bugging me," Mastermind muttered. "Well, Wanda's the only one left."

John sat up straighter, rubbing his hands together. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about!"

Wanda came out, in a black robe, a pointy hat on her head. "I put a spell on you, because you're mine! All right!" She began to dance around, singing the song and staring at John the whole time. At the end she ripped open her robe, revealing her corset shirt and shorty-shorts and slid on her knees, ending up a few feet in front of John. She stood up, and walked off to join the other B-hood members.

"You're not making her do that, right?"

Mastermind shrugged. "Personal influence does shine through my mind control."

"COOL!"

Jason shook his head. "Why am I cursed with such immature, juvenile compatriots?"

"Isn't that redundant?" John asked, in the tone of someone inquiring about the weather.

"How can someone who knows a word like 'redundant' put tinfoil in the microwave?" asked Piotr.

"Hey! I only did that once!"

"We still had to get a new microwave," Jason and Remy chorused. (3)

"Ah, shut up," John muttered, sulking.

"That's what I've been saying all day to you!" Jason shouted. "And now for the big finale!"

The entire Brotherhood came out, still dressed in their costumes. They linked arms and began to can-can while singing. "Brotherhood of the misunderstood, live and die here in all likelihood, you livin' in this town, better pray for sundown, and when you walk around, you keep your eyes down!" After this… um, inspiring performance, they bowed one last time, then went back into the kitchen.

"Dat was really weird," Remy said.

"Da," Piotr agreed.

"Definitely," John added.

"YARNY WARNY MEEoooWWW!!!" was Sabretooth's ten cents.

"Ah, but it was worth it," said a very satisfied Jason.

"It was still weird," John, Remy and Piotr all said in unison.

Sabretooth just made a purring kind of noise.

Suddenly there was the biggest tremor of all. "WHY AM I IN A TOWEL?!"

The Brotherhood house could simply take no more. There was a cataclysmal shudder as the entire place swayed and then… BOOM!!! The house collapsed, leaving the very shellshocked Brotherhood and Acolytes peeping out of the wreckage. "What just happened?" Jason asked, freeing himself from beneath a large beam.

"I t'ink we need a new place t' stay," said Remy, blowing up the wood slat that trapped him and John.

"But who do we ask?" said John, standing up.

"There's only one group we can ask," said Wanda, giving Lance a meaningful look.

"Oh no, I'm not goin' to them again," said Lance, shaking his head as he backed off.

"To the X-men's house we go!" Jason cried. "I suggest you put that away before we get there," he added, pointing at Remy's picture of Rogue.

" _Non!_" Remy cried, running off.

"You! Sic him!" Jason cried, pointing at Remy.

Sabretooth abandoned his yarn with only one sad look and pounced on Remy, nearly cracking his skull on the pavement.

"Ooh, that's gonna hurt in the morning," Jason said, wincing. "Come on, we need to go beg solace at the X-mansion."

(Next chapter, whenever it comes out, will feature the X-men, trapped in the mansion due to Defcon 4 while the hapless B-hoodians and Acolytes try to avoid the defense system and get inside, as they get ever crazier… It'll be out eventually.)

(1)Quickwart, anyone?

(2) It's from a commercial for Herbal Essences. Go figure.

(3) Quote from "I could grab it with my nubs", about the only John/Remy fic out there. Very cute.


End file.
